12:15 PM I find them standing side by side in matching raincoats (one blue, one yellow) near the tax

I m a man in his mid-30s who has inexplicably found himself about to embark on a 7-day cruise with his Korean accommodation special rates zurich mother, his aunt and his sister. It s not clear how this has happened. I mean, sure, I agreed to it. It s something my mom had wanted us to do for a long time, and I recall saying okay. But in my mind, that was going to be the end of it. It was many months ago, and it was just words and a credit card payment. accommodation special rates zurich And yet somehow, time has chosen to march on, eventually depositing me here, about to do this thing.
What follows is a blow-by-blow of this cruise. If you find yourself siding with the person with whom I am cheap-shotting, accommodation special rates zurich or crudely dismissing, I don t blame you. You are wrong and would have done the same thing, but I don t blame you.
11:45 AM My sister and I meet up at Dock 90 in NYC at the agreed upon time. We re both excited and pre-travel giddy and doing our best to embrace the spirit of the trip. Working against that is a familiarity with terrible people, and a reluctance to be around them for any length of time.
12:00 PM Fifteen minutes have passed and there s no sign of my mother and aunt, who, it turns out, are already lost. Haha, well better to get that out of the way now, since there s only a finite number accommodation special rates zurich of times that can happen. What s that, you say? There s actually no limit to the amount of times they can get lost? Hilarious!
12:15 PM I find them standing side by side in matching raincoats (one blue, one yellow) near the taxi stand. It s pretty adorable, actually. After a brief argument about whether they should carry their bags or accept my offer to take them, then ruling out several other variations (my bag perched on aunt s rolling bag, pushed by her, then by me, her carrying my mom s purse, some other thing I refused to entertain), we re off!
12:34 PM I notice a curious thing. It seems that many people have chosen to embark on this cruise with someone they have a romantic interest in rather than the person who was once responsible for yelling at them for seventeen straight years. accommodation special rates zurich A person who seconds earlier, offered them a mint they had to turn down three times before it stuck. Different strokes, I guess!
1:43 PM We board the ship! We re in a massive room containing the front desk, a lounge area, bar, piano, and a giant movie screen. (Later I will see a family of five watching the screen as it plays a generic sequence of nature scenes, completely oblivious to the magnificent island view to their left, visible through floor-to-ceiling windows.)
2:01 PM The main deck contains several pools and hot tubs, a stage and dance floor, numerous bars and restaurants, tons of pool chairs, and a large water slide. Some cruise-goers accommodation special rates zurich will choose to wait until the ship is in motion before rushing accommodation special rates zurich onto the dance floor, accommodation special rates zurich drinks in hand, but those cruise-goers were not on this ship.
2:35 PM The ship makes its way out to sea. As we pass the Statue of Liberty someone in charge of such things plays that Lee Greenwood Proud to be an American accommodation special rates zurich song. This feels silly and pandering, like a bald eagle forced to fly around with a red, white and blue iPod playing a continuous U! S! A! chant. A woman to the left of me weeps. Another man says to his wife, That was really, really special. He just nailed it. Yes, that was some completely off the cuff, split second decision-making we just witnessed.
6:00 PM My sister and I check out the main dining option on the ship, The Garden Caf . Apparently they named their restaurant after the place responsible for 2% of the food they serve. accommodation special rates zurich I m actually surprised the logo isn t a carrot in a circle with a line through it. Or a smiling, anthropomorphic ham eating a cheeseburger that is also eating a cake.
7:01 PM My sister and I make our way past a rascal scooter convention, seeing enough tribal tattoos to cover every tribe on earth three times over plus the cast of Wall-E, accommodation special rates zurich to eventually arrive at the bar. We are there for quite awhile.
8:37 AM A man on a loudspeaker (Is this loudspeaker audible from your bed, Kevin? Why yes it is, astute reader!) starts the morning by singing that Are you happy and you know it song, to a ship full of adults who thoroughly enjoy it. In fact, I m not sure I ve ever seen people get more out of part of a song. A few sing along. Most clap. Many laugh.
8:45 AM My aunt asks me various accommodation special rates zurich questions about my life. What are you writing now? Where do you live in NY? She seems disappointed with my answers. (Quick backstory: Once, after putting accommodation special rates zurich on a few pounds, she mentioned that I looked fat and then puffed out her cheeks at me, to underline the subtle point she d just made. Prior to this trip I saw her about once a year. I feel like that was a good system for us, and I look forward to its return.)
accommodation special rates zurich 9:04 AM I notice my mom takes great pleasure in inventing fictional characters she believes accommodation special rates zurich are overpaying for things that she saw coming. Ex: These people are all buying accommodation special rates zurich drinks on their room tab. Boy, are they gonna be surprised when they check out and see the bill. Or People going to the coffee bar instead of the (free) restaurant, they re gonna get an extra charge. They re not gonna believe their eyes.
9:15 AM She also plots against imagined foes, countering their strategies with her own. They re trying to hide the salmon all the way over there, but I know where it is. I go there first. Then, Make sure you get salmon.
10:00 AM We spend the day by the pool. We eat a double-digit accommodation special rates zurich amount of meals. Morale is fine, and the ability to eat almost any food you can imagine at any moment of the day has not yet lost its luster.
9:00 PM We hit the ship s casino. My mother and aunt play slot machines, my sister and I drink. My mom tries to give us money to gamble about every nine minutes, and every time it s a fight to convince her we both have plenty of money. It s sweet and I m glad I have a mother who wishes the best for me, but on occasion I also like to be alone with just the thoughts in my head, not answering questions I ve already answered half a dozen times.
The Korean mom, for those of you unfamiliar, is a lot like the stereotype of the overbearing Jewish mom. In any half hour span she will offer me food and money several times. My replies are, in order: No, thank you. Nope. No! And finally Still no! I am aware there s a buffet, I can see it! No, I don t need money! No, Heather doesn t want any either. Please, I m begging you, stop handing me cake!
11:30 AM The room steward greets me at my cabin. You are cruising alone, sir? Yup He gives me a sad look, followed by a pause. I realize he pities me, assuming I m some creep on a boat by himself. I think about correcting him. Hey, we just wanted our own rooms. I'm not some loser! I'm traveling with my elderly aunt, mom and sister! No, wait. Uhhh I just nod and move along.
12:10 PM We hit our first port and Florida is about what you d expect. If you re excited to be in Florida, you've either just been resuscitated, having seen the light, or you've just gotten off a cruise ship. We take a much-needed break from lying around by a pool to lie around on a beach. We drink $1 margaritas that manage to miss even the incredibly low expectations you d have for $1 margaritas.
9:15 AM We mix it up! Spending the day on a beach in the Bahamas. It s some sort of private island owned by the cruise line. It s lovely accommodation special rates zurich and filled with cabanas and tiki bars and huts selling souvenirs. But it feels off, artificial somehow. Like a beach exhibit constructed by aliens for their human zoo. Have you seen that movie The Truman Show ? I haven t.
11:30 AM I talk my sister into going on a guided wave runner tour. It is absolutely fantastic and easily the highlight of the trip. They are fast and sometimes you can jump a wave and launch yourself into the air. Halfway through my sister gives me a tense, I-am-terrified-smile, but overall she enjoys herself.
8:00 AM We spend the day at a resort type place for more gambling, eating, drinking and poolside lounging. This may sound good, and it is, to a point. That point is rapidly approaching. I can actually seeing it, zooming across the water. accommodation special rates zurich I think the point got ahold of a speedboat somehow.
10:20 AM Picture yourself by a pool. Then surround yourself with the worst people accommodation special rates zurich you can imagine. The cheap, the petty, the broken, the probably racist, the loud, the teenaged. Then imagine them all half-dressed. And drunk. While the music playing is atrocious. And the whole thing is bobbing back and forth with a nausea-inducing rhythm.
10:53 PM I m in the ship s fancy cigar bar. (Calm down, I know. But they're great.) I learn the answer to the question, Where on the ship wouldn't you go in basketball accommodation special rates zurich shorts, sandals and a baggy tank top? That answer is nowhere! accommodation special rates zurich Or Dignityville! Or Potential for Kevin's Respect Town! (Population: not even me.)
10:30 AM I see a woman in a wedding dress and am confronted with all manner of horrific thoughts. WHY? Why not get married in a more appropriate location, like a highway overpass or a haunted boggy marsh?
10:45 PM I have spiraled into existential crisis. What choices accommodation special rates zurich led that bride here, to the ship? And also her groom, and every other person involved. How did they all say yes to so many awful ideas? Was this wedding party also the production team on AMC s The Killing ?
2:12-10:04 PM This day feels like an eternity. You ever see time-lapse footage sped up, the sun rising, setting, clouds passing, etc? This is somehow the opposite of that. I picture accommodation special rates zurich my hands closing around the neck of the ship s captain.
10:30 AM I shamble about the decks, less than the man I once was, a wraith. I m clad in an inappropriate hoodie and jeans. I look for my reflection in the mirror, accommodation special rates zurich a sight that has never failed to bolster my spirits, and see nothing* (* This was actually accommodation special rates zurich a mistake, turns out it wasn t a mirror.)
11:45 AM In agony. The ship has taken a part of me, never to return. In its place is a slice of pizza, a cheeseburger, accommodation special rates zurich waffle fries, some chicken and a rice dish of some sort. Als